Sometimes we do stuff half-heartedly. Like showing up for a family dinner, we really didn’t care much for, but we do it anyway for our mom. Or doing that extra thing on the job, just to make a colleague happy (and maybe have a favor on the ‘saving’ account). In short life is full of choices, which has to be made – regardless or not we like it.
Yesterday (and the days leading up to yesterday), I had to face a question on my own. Whether or not to go to war – even I felt very unprepared. That means – half my preparations were as good, as it could be – the part I alone can take of. I’ve done my running, sprints, explosive weights and all that stuff, you suffer with in solitude. But I didn’t have any sparring or clinch training, even I asked for this both in Thailand and back home – even asked my boyfriend.
But I was left on my own, except when it came to decide whether to go to war. Everyone has an oppinion, and everyone was counting on me. Kind of like the mother counting of you to skip everything to come for a family dinner saturday night, even she knows, you’ll be out dancing. And I guess – I had two voices speaking in my head: The rational, smart voice which said: Bad idea, you’re not ready. You can’t go in. And the warrior voice who said: Who cares you havent been sparring or learned to clinch. It’s a fight, so just go in and take a chance.
Up until 5 minutes before I was to walk into the spotlight. I said to my padman: I can’t do it. I don’t have enough to offer. But, it was too late to back down and I knew, I had to face the music of listening to my reckless voice (and my boyfriend whos best friend sold me out. One can wonder where the loyalty really lies.. but then.. I shouldnt really listen to anyone but myself. ). So I stepped into what a sinking heart can have of courage, and wore it on a sleeve – and stepped into the spotlight against a very strong and well prepared opponent – and 5 kg heavier – and 10 times more experienced. Stepped into war, knowing in my heart I would lose, but still stood my ground and took a defeat on point, but I found my heart.
Looking in the back mirror – which is one of life’s easiest tasks – I’m not sure, I would have done different. In a way, it* was a much bigger test, than stepping in the ring, believing you will prevail.
*= Stepping into the ring, knowing within you, that you didn’t do enough.
What I can take away from my bad decision, is that I do have heart and hopefully looked gracious in defeat. I guess it would have been more fun, to be up there and really believe I could take the win against a heavier and stronger opponent. But at least I found my heart. And I know, I have to ask louder to get better. Even its only yourself in the ring – preparing to get there is a team effort – of coaches and teammates. No one stepped into the ring, just by shadowboxing for themselves a whole carrier.
For anyone who says, it’s all about being a part of it. I can assure you, that ‘line’
does NOT compute with fight sports. Nothing funny in being the looser – even with my hard walk yesterday, even I found my heart and broke it.